10) Battletoads – This is more here for my BF than for me. I avoided these guys when I was a kid becasue I thought they were too much of a Ninja Turtles ripoff– (and their NES game sucked ass.) But I will admit, they had some hot bods… for a trio of frog men, that is.
9) Prince Lotor – He was the villian in Voltron. You’ll find throughout this list that I have a thing for the villians– the bad boys. I dunno what it was– maybe because I tried so hard to be good, I felt like liking the villians was somehow living vicariously through them. Anyhoo– Lotor was definetely intended to be attractive. But that cunt Princess Allura always turned down his affactions! I woulda married ya, Lotor! Especially with that incredibly monotone American voice actor they had for him! Remember that? I loved it!
8) Panthro – Yeah, when people talk about the Thundercats, all you hear is how friggin’ hot Cheetara was. Okay, yeah, she was stacked. Too bad the men weren’t! I remember thinking (even that young) that it was a travesty that none of the male T-cats had bulges. Somehow though, Panthro seemed less neutered than the rest of them. Maybe it was the voice– or his attitude. He just seemed more manly. He also used to kinda curse (Dang-Blast-it!)
7) Duffman – Yes, I am including some contemporary characters on this list. I have to admit, I was never all, “Ooh, I wanna screw Duffman!” But of all the Simpsons characters, if I had to make it with one, it’d be him. haha. Of course, not until I’ve had a couple beers!
6) James Bond Jr. – No, I’m not making this up. This was a cartoon that used to come on early in the morning in the 90’s. And yes, it’s exactly as it sounds… James Bond as a teenager: suave, womanizing, slutty, James Bond! In every episode there was some different chick he was talkin’ to. He was a player! And his themesong was like, “He’s got a job to do… while he rescues a girl!” Good ol’ cartoon misogynism!
5) Bumblebee – While all the other boys were idolizing Optimus Prime and Megatron, I was the kid always rooting for more Bumblebee airtime on Transformers. I thought he was so adorable. Yeah, he was a robot who could turn into a VW bug, but behind that metal exterior beat the heart of a needy, young, over-achiever. (ok, maybe that was taking it too far). But I did find him sweet for some reason. I also liked Starscream and Soundwave and secretly wanted them to take Bumblbee away and have their way with him!
4) The Cobra Twins – Tomax and Xamot, of G.I. Joe. Yes, the twin fetish was alive in me even 20+ years ago. They struck me as queer even back then. Maybe because I thought they were French. (American kids think all gay things are French.) I thought it was hot how they finished each other’s sentences and how if one got punched, the other felt the pain as well. I wonder if that worked the other way around? Like if you were blowing one and he spooged, would the other one just randomly orgasm too?
3) Gaston – From Beauty and the Beast. “No one’s slick as Gaston, No one’s quick as Gaston, No one’s neck’s as incredibly thick as Gaston’s.” I was sitting in the theater like, “That’s right, sing it, baby!” What the hell?! A Disney song about a hot guy reeling in his own sexiness?! Ok, I’ll take it. And the best part was when he goes, “As you see I’ve got biceps to spare / And ev’ry last inch of me’s covered with hair!” And then he rips open his shirt and shows off his hairy chest equisitely rendered way past the standard of everything else the movie.
2) Shark – On ATOM (Alpha Teens on Machines.) I can’t plug this cartoon enough. It’s really well designed. (and the characters look like mine!) And they also draw the male characters shirtless all the time and there are even some suggestive scenes thrown in here and there. Like when Shark stole Hawk’s underwear when they were swimming. It’s really fun. I urge more people to get into it (so I can find some slash art of it online someday– bwahaha.)
1) Launchpad – How did Launchpad make #1? I dunno– he’s always had a special place in my heart. Again, I didn’t think he was sexy, per se, becasue I was a little too young to think that at the time. But I do remember being very drawn to his image: the masculine chin, the height, the rippling chest. He was the REAL MAN of Duckburg! He was also the only one who wore pants too– think about that!
He was only cute on DuckTales though. When they put him on Darkwing Duck, they de-sexified him and made him all squat and balding. I was really mad about that. Yes, I know, he’s a mutha-freakin’ DUCK! But it was his image, man! I almost became a pilot becasue of Launchpad.
Feel free to comment, make additions, or tell me I’m psychotic.
